Who am I?
Who am I?
That’s a good question. Some say a worshipper; some say a close friend. Others have not had the best experience knowing me. I’m imperfect, and I still have a long way to go.
Growing up without a dad didn’t impact me until I realized there was a deep emptiness inside of me that I kept pushing down. I pretended like it didn’t bug me. I would hear my friends complain about their two parents and I would get angry. Inside, I thought “Hey, at least you have both parents.” It hurt me, I wondered why he left me. I felt abandoned, not loved, Why did he leave?
I was not a great friend or family member because I acted out anger, and I self-sabotaged. I had good people in my life, but I wanted to push them away because I was afraid of them hurting me. “Aren’t they going to leave too?” Writing this to you now brings back memories of how much pain I have caused other people in my life. If you’re reading this and I have hurt you, I’m sorry for my words or actions.
In middle school, these emotions got worse. I was going to church, but did I have a relationship with God? Did I know who Jesus was and what He had done for me? No. I had no idea; I just saw it as a professional relationship, not a personal one. I didn’t know God like that. My heart hurts for my little self, as I remember her not knowing she could come to Jesus at any time. I always felt left out and never good enough. I felt like my emotions and feelings did not matter. I started to isolate myself, I fell into depression, and then soon after, I struggled with suicidal thoughts. It felt like my life didn’t matter.
“Nobody cared about me, right?” That’s how I felt. It felt like no one genuinely cared for my well-being. In high school, my depression and suicidal tendencies got worse. I didn’t have any friends. During lunch, I spent my time trying to read the bible, but I realized now I was reading the bible like a book instead of realizing that it is the living word. I saw it as a checklist box instead of understanding what I was reading. At lunch, I would see the students laughing with their friends, something I wished I could do. People would look at me as I sat alone, and that made me angry. I decided to eat lunch alone in the bathroom.
Eating lunch in the bathroom brought on the lowest part of my life. I was isolated from everyone, and the loudest voice was the one in my head telling me “You’re better off dead.” “Nobody would care or notice you being gone.” My heart was broken, and I was alone. I began listening to those voices in my head and started to plan a suicide attempt. Those dark thoughts brought tears, but I always pretended to be okay.
The first time I attempted suicide I was confident that this was the best option for me. “Nobody will care.” That loud voice kept telling me, and I believed it. I was home alone during my first attempt. I knew of a way to do it, and I did it, but I was scared and asked God to keep me alive. I attempted to take my own life three times,I received three different visions during my final attempt. One was my family weeping at my funeral, the next vision was of my youth group having a service and then announcing my passing, and the final one was of my dog Lucas. Lucas was my best friend. He was with me through all of my depression. In a way, I feel that God used my dog to show me His character. Lucas never left my side, and I felt like he listened to me and comforted me when no one else could. I didn’t know God like that. The vision was my dog Lucas, waiting for me to get home, but I never returned. Something was telling me to stay alive. That every thought I was hearing was not true. I started to think “What if people do care about me? What if it is just in my head?” I never attempted suicide after that.
I decided to get help, which was the best step I could have ever taken. I reached out to a youth leader of mine and she was able to help me get involved and learn more bout Jesus. Who Jesus was, not just to know of Him. I was doing much better, feeling so full of Christ. I got involved in worship and became a youth student leader. I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit to put together a suicide awareness documentary. At the time I didn’t have any money to get myself professional equipment, but I listened and acted. I put together a plan as the Holy Spirit poured into me.
Throughout the next few months, I interviewed students I didn’t know, reaching out to different organizations and churches. I also started an after-school program, shared devotionals, read the bible, and prayed with the students. When the documentary was finished, I hosted an event, and over 150 students came to this school event, and 13 people gave their hearts to Christ.
I remember wrestling with myself and asking God, “If I am made new and know who I am, why am I still acting chained down?” Four years later, I decided to leave ministry college because I was still dealing with unhealed trauma. I pursued college online while living with one of my closest friends. During that time, my mental health took a turn for the worse, and I was not dealing with my emotions. Instead, I tried to keep them in. at the time, I was struggling with my body image, developed an eating disorder, and my depression came back. However, the suicidal thoughts did not stay because I knew the truth. I stopped going to church and felt like ministry drained me. I just wanted to rest in Him.
One night I was at my lowest, and that was when my porn addiction started. For the next two years of my life, I found myself in the trenches of porn addiction. Temptation was heavy and I was not strong in my walk with God during this time. I went through a multitude of accountability partners. I even had friends shame me for this struggle. They told me I wasn’t praying enough and that I didn’t have enough faith. So many women struggle with this and feel like no one will understand what they are going through. I’m here to say that I do. Porn was an addiction, one that was very hard to get through but by Gods grace I did. It made me feel shame, and like God was angry with me. It was so hard for me to stop.
Then I met Dominic, We met on TikTok because I had the amazing opportunity to sing my single “Today & Tomorrow for a Christian conference in Chicago. He saw my video and reached out. We started as friends. At that time, I was a month clean from my addiction, and I didn’t want to mess anything up. He was a safe person to me. He didn’t have any ulterior motives, like sleeping with me. I wasn’t used to that. Dominic just wanted to worship God with me, He wanted to read the word with me. He loved Jesus, and I knew Dom was different. He liked me, but I was scared to pursue anything because I did not want to make a mistake. The enemy would tell me I’m not lovable because of what I struggled with and my trauma. He told me, “I will never be loved.” I avoided a relationship, and Dominic respected that. In our time together as friends, I drew closer to Jesus. As I did, Jesus brought joy into my heart, He delivered me from depression and suicidal thoughts, and He broke off chains of addiction. I found a new church and a recovery group that helped me overcome my struggle with porn.
God saved me. It has been over a year, and I am free. Dominic and I are married, and together, we write songs that glorify God. I’ve been in counseling to continue to get the healing I need, and I work as a case manager at a homeless shelter. I get to share the love of Jesus with my clients and help them take steps towards stability again in the same way God helped me.
